Life with Phobia: Mother

I want to believe I’m doing better and that the panic and terror is lessening but then I scroll past a picture of several koi fish and I panic and become ashamed at how it hasn’t changed, my reaction is the same.

I want to be compassionate with myself that one session of EMDR isn’t going to magically transform me and that this is a long and arduous process, that it’s a slow excavation.

“A gentle extraction of a calcified tooth”

I still feel horrible. I wish I could be freed from this.

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I was on the phone with my mom and she asked me how I was and I grew agitated. Then she asked me how my partner was and I got more agitated. I hate that I don’t trust her, that it’s so uncomfortable for me to share my truths with her. When was the first time she humiliated me? When was the last time? I got off the phone with her and went on Instagram and then photos of fish.

Mother<<>>fish<<>>humiliation<<>>distrust<<>>mother

Life with PhobiaNic Alea